Never Face Gozer with a Song in your Heart
by Shieldage
Summary: Remembering music is generally a good thing, but when a force of destruction is reading your mind...
1. Winston - Purple People Eater

Angel by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Ghostbusters by Akroyd, Ramis and Columbia Pictures. The Real Ghostbusters by Columbia Pictures, DiC and Coca-Cola.

'The Purple People Eater' by Sheb Wooley, 1958

The "Never Deal With a Dragon" saying is from FASA Entertainment's Shadowrun RPG and might have first been made by Michael Mulvihill.

The festival here is fictional but Suffolk County, New York has made great strides in agriculture :)

* * *

**New York City:**

"... if we think of J. Edgar Hoover, then J. Edgar Hoover will come and destroy us!"

"You mean, if we think of the Flying Purple People Eater, he'll just come down, out of the sky?"

**"The form of your destruction has been chosen. Prepare to meet your DOOM!"**

"Holy Hell, Winston!" Peter fumed. "I can't believe you just did that! I mean if it were _Ray_..."

"Hold on a second, I _wasn't_ thinking about it. It was just a _suggestion_."

"Guys, it might still be my fault, I mean when he mentioned the song, it kinda... flashed through my head."

"Shut up, Ray. It doesn't matter who thought what! We've got bigger problems to deal with."

"You just had to say that, Egon, didn't you? Well, guys, there it is. Hope you're happy."

"It's hovering well out of the range of the beams, want to take bets on what that 'horn' sounds like?"

"No. Let's concentrate on how to deal with an enemy, outdoors, who has full three-dimensional movement."

"I'm just happy it wasn't the gigantic Twinkie you were talking about back in the cell. That'd be completely indestructible."

"Yes, truly... It seems to be circling... somewhat aimlessly... Let's hope that it's bound by the immense amount of words in the song."

"If that's '_undergrowed_' I sure don't want to see it's mamma!"

##

"Guys, I was waiting for a better time to bring this up but, there's a soda company that's willing to _give_ us one of their helicopters - they're calling it 'Ecto 2' - if we sign a contract endorsing a new toyline."

"Ray, why didn't you say that sooner? Especially when we friggin' had to walk up all those steps?"

"Well, we have to accept the toyline as is. They've pretty much done a good job of distilling our 'essence' without looking exactly like us. Which really doesn't make any sense when you consider they're keeping our names... Hey, I do have a couple of the proofs rights here..."

"I'm not real happy about my toy having white hair... Janine looks about right, but the rest of you just come off as goofy."

"That really isn't too much of a stretch."

"Hey!"

"... And remember that green glutton ghost that _slimed_ Peter? The company also wants us to include him on the team as a good guy!"

"In real life, or just for the toyline?"

"Hmm, you know, they weren't that specific..."

##

"This doesn't look good. Whatever that _thing_ is, it's flying East."

"If it's 'bound by the words of the song', then we don't have to worry about it, right? It's only come here to eat purple people and join a rock and-"

"Yes, Peter. We wouldn't have anything to worry about if Suffolk County_ wasn't_ holding it's 'First Annual Grape and Eggplant Festival.'"

Ray smiled. "Yep, they sure are proud of their agriculture, you know they're beginning to outcompete Cali-"

"_Let's_ save the brochure for later. Ray, you've got to make that phone call."

##

**Los Angeles:**

The phone rang at the main desk of Wolfram and Hart's Entertainment Division, so the new department head answered it. The conversation was short, but it pulled Lorne out of his favored 'relaxed, legs-crossed on the desk' position, to a 'sitting stiffly, can't believe what I'm hearing' pose. He hung up, feeling nostalgia for the days when his biggest worry was bad vibrations.

After a few seconds, he composed himself, forced a smile onto his face and left the room. On his way to his destination he ran directly into his very good friend, Fred.

"Hey, is everything okay?" she asked, reading him like a book.

"No time to talk, sweetie," he said, nodding kindly, but firmly. "I just got a call from our New York Branch and I need to teleport there in the next fifteen minutes. Appears it's up to me to save the world."

##

**Suffolk County:**

"Hey, there it is! I see it!"

"Yeah, Ray, I have to admit that this helicopter was a good idea. Now let's catch up to it and do some shooting!"

"Everybody, it's important to keep your beams at half-power until we can force it into a less populated location."

"I thought the object was to destroy this thing."

"Not like we did before, not just a neutronization... We can't afford to have it reintegrate into an uncontrolled form. With this many sentient minds in the area, the possible consequences could be disastrous."

"Now he tells me..."

##

**New York City:**

"Well, that was a rush," Lorne said, stumbling out of the local Wolfram and Hart offices and onto the private runway. "Funny. I should have my time zones pinned down by now, but I was expecting daylight..."

The shades-wearing pilot took pity on him and pointed up.

"Whoa! All that nasty weather's coming from that building? Let me guess, you guys... we... financed the construction? No, wait," Lorne said, waving his hands as he climbed into the two-rotored helicopter. "I don't want to know. Just get me a Sea Breeze."

##

**Suffolk County:**

"We're the Ghostbusters," Peter shouted into the bullhorn. "This is not a publicity stunt! The flying purple people eater circling over our heads, that has not landed and started to feed right now - thanks to us - is _real_. If everyone would wash their face paint off and evacuate the festival in a calm and orderly manner, maybe, just maybe, we can beat this thing!"

"Good job, Peter! I think they're listening."

"Now if that thing would land, then maybe we'd get somewhere... How much juice left in the packs?"

"Not nearly enough to buy enough time to get everyone out of the area, unfortunately. I-"

He trailed off, his words being muffled by the sound of an approaching vehicle.

"Ray... Did you order _another _helicopter, one of those large tandem rotor things with a much better paint job?"

"No, but let's hope he's on our side." Ray did a double-take as the craft landed and a demon in a cream-colored business suit climbed out. "Guys, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Egon whipped out a scanning device. "Amazing! A full body, completely corporeal, semi-humanoid netherwordly manifestation!"

Peter shook his head. "Enough with the paranormal double-speak, Egon. It's clearly not a ghost, it's green and it has horns. Let's just call it a demon."

"No problems, gentlemen, that's what I am." With a flourish, Lorne handed out four of his business cards. "An interdimensional expatriate with no ties to the underworld, if that helps any. The name's Krevlornswath - Lorne for short - and I'm here representing the Los Angeles branch of the company who's handling the contract you _just_ signed in order to get 'Ecto 2' up and running so quickly. Seems like you've done a good job keeping track of the 'problem' and preventing any fatalities, but I'm here to solve it. Would you be so kind as to hand me the bullhorn?"

"Why, sure."

"Ray!"

"What? He seems nice."

##

The Ghostbusters covered their ears as, after having walked a short distance away, Lorne turned the bullhorn up to maximum and shouted: "Hello, Mr. Purple People Eater! If you would be so kind as to land in that empty field over there, I have contracts for you to sign concerning a record deal!"

Peter snorted. "Like that's gonna work... Well, at least it's better than our other option of hoping we're all 'too tough'. I mean the only one that really fits is Egon..."

"Hey, I resent that remark."

Winston gave a cautious grin. "Guys, he's _landing_."

##

"... record deal... lifetime supply of short shorts... concert tour... all this for you and the main thing you have to do is sign away your ability to cause death or harm to any sentient creature on Earth or other Earth-type planets, as well as your ability to cause massive property damage," As Lorne finished his lengthy spiel, he held out a pen to the Purple People Eater. "The terms will take effect immediately, though we retain the option to void it next week in case you turn out to have zero talent."

"That won't be a problem," said the monster in a gravelly voice that was unusually high-pitched for its bulk, as it signed the contract.

As soon as the ink had dried, the monster began to play an intricate melody through its horn, carrying the clear sound of a set of panpipes. It switched to upbeat jazz and the clarinet, segued into the pure, thought-provoking sound of the oboe, then broke out again in full swing.

The people from the somewhat evacuated festival soon crowded into the large field and began to cheer the monster on to new musical heights.

"Hey, not to question your methods," Ray asked, after tapping Lorne on the shoulder. "But why didn't you wait until after this demonstration before signing the contract?"

"This is just your first thwarted apocalypse, so you probably didn't notice that the song left this pigeon-toed ex-Force of Destruction the option of really knocking _everyone_ dead by playing rock and roll music through the horn in its head, above and beyond any question of its diet."

"Wow! Hadn't even thought of that..."

##

After the impromptu concert was over and the monster had agreed to follow Lorne's helicopter back to the city, Lorne paused to shake the hands of the heroes and offer a few parting words.

"We'll be seeing more of each other. Because you guys are the 'good' guys I'll be handling your contract, personally."

The Ghostbusters huddled around the bulk of their new single-bladed helicopter and watched the larger Boeing twin-rotored aircraft lift off the ground.

"I somehow have a bad feeling about this..."

"What's that phrase floating around the streets," asked Winston, staring off into the distance. "Watch your back, shoot straight, conserve ammo and never cut a deal with a demon?"

"Close, but no. The last word's '_dragon_.'"

"Not too much of a stretch," Egon muttered, staring up at the bulk of the Wolram and Hart helicopter flying overhead, complete with stylized green dragon scale paint job and glowing yellow 'eyes'.

Silently, they climbed into their much plainer 'Ecto 2' and began the flight back.

##

"So, what are we going to do about that?" Egon asked, pointing towards the thick clouds that were blocking out sunlight over a large part of New York City and the presumably still open portal they were centered around.

"Guys, maybe just this once we can let someone else deal with it," Ray said, thoughtfully. "Maybe Lorne could sell it as a tourist attraction. It is, after all, the largest supernatural event since the Tunguska blast of 1908. If the guy can literally talk an incarnation of Gozer the Gozerian out of killing anybody he might be capable of anything."

"_Yeah_, Ray. That's exactly what we're afraid of..."

"Oh."

##

##

_Tequila!_


	2. Peter - Iron Man

Ghostbusters by Akroyd, Ramis and Columbia Pictures. Marvel by the parent company and its many artists/writers.

Dedicated to reviewer Dragonelf, who supplied the song choice. 'Iron Man' by Black Sabbath 1971

Definitely accepting song recommendations ;)

* * *

**Late in the twentieth-century**

On hearing that they weren't gods, Gozer the Gozerian released a burst of energy from its avatar's fingers. The Ghostbusters recovered quickly and, after chastising Ray for giving the wrong response, blasted Gozer's body into nothingness. Which turned out not to be the end of it because, all too soon, a voice was booming down from the heavens asking them to choose the form of their destruction.

Egon begged them not to think of anything, so Peter did his best to clear his mind.

Meditation techniques weren't his strong suit, so he lost himself in a guitar beat.

"DAH-dum," he hummed, twitching his fingers in time. "DAH-DAH-dum, dah-dah-dah-dah-DUM-DUM-DUM!"

**"Form Chosen,"** boomed the voice down from the heavens.

Egon held his forehead in disbelief. "Peter!"

"What? It's a good riff."

"Yeah, but we know the song and the _lyrics_."

"Oops."

##

**Sometime very early in the twenty-first century**

"You don't have to do this," screamed Pepper Potts.

"Yes, I do," answered Tony Stark. "Closing this rift now is the only way I know the future will be safe!"

"Be careful!"

"I will," he said as he slipped his helmet down and stepped into the vortex. "I'll be in signal range the entire time. I'm now heading towards the greatest concentration of magnetic fields."

Pepper hugged the communication device close to her chest as Tony's voice crackled over it.

"I'm doing my best to correct the imbalance... No... No!"

"Tony, what's wrong? The interference is getting worse."

"Its impossible. The gold connections in my suit are turning to steel! I can't explain it, I..."

"Tony? Tony!"

His only reply, for a time, was a long, drawn out scream.

##

**Back in the twentieth-century**

A museum piece, made of iron and lead, that had sat in the same corner for a decade or two, gathering dust, suddenly became aware of a presence in the room.

"I offer you power," the invisible energy hissed. "If you join me willingly."

"Anything," the roughly man-shaped hunk of metal said, tapping into the entity's energy to power itself. "Anything to get out of here and wreak my vengeance on those who left me to rot."

"So be it," Gozer's voice muttered as it flowed into the metal and the two beings became one.

The metal shape promptly grew to twenty times its previous size, bursting through the roof and sending priceless artifacts flying through the walls.

That was before it took its first step.

##

"Well, friggin' great." Peter waved his arms in frustration as they saw the destruction. "The guy in iron's here to cause us all to writhe in fear all because you guys had to supply words to my completely abstract notes, my girlfriend's still a dog, and we _still_ need to walk down all those steps because that thing's stomping in the other direction!"

##

"_Iron Man_," Ray called from his rooftop position in the 'trap' they'd led the monster into. "We know from the song that you used to be a hero. You're being possessed by the Destroyer! You can fight this. Don't you want to be what you used to be?"

"I used to be a tool," the hulking metal boomed. "Nobody ever asked me if they wanted me to save the world. Nobody asked me if I wanted to risk being sent a hundred years into the past, where I'd sit in the corner, forgotten. You're trying to reach the man inside the suit? Well, that's just not gonna happen. How about you talk to the hand?"

The towering humanoid shape lifted one of its arms straight out in front of it. Its palm began to grow a bright blue.

"Wait?" Winston asked, turning to the Ghostbuster next to him. "That thing has energy beams?"

"News to-"

_***BAM!***_

##

**Back in the twenty-first century**

Pepper Potts was sitting in a chair, sobbing quietly to herself, when someone touched her shoulder.

"Tony," she yelped, jumping to her feet and throwing her arms around him. "You're alive! You're naked, but you're alive! Uh..." She took a step back and brushed herself off.

"Yes," he said, grinning roguishly. "I'm okay. The suit was a dead loss though. I had to abandon it somewhere in the timestream, or risk being turned to metal myself. I'm guessing it landed around nineteen-oh-two."

"Oh... Are we going to be okay?"

"Absolutely. The transformation fused most of the circuitry so the computer system won't be able to move under its own power. It looks too much like an art piece for any scientists of the time to dissect it. We'll just have to spend some time in antique stores tracking it down and home that the computer's brain won't be too annoyed at me for leaving it in a non-functional body for so long."

##

Those were his last words before the first of the time storms ripped them apart.


End file.
